A Deep Emotional Journey for Parents Who Long for Grandchildren
In the United States, Lydia Birk, 56, finds herself holding onto a cherished copy of The Velveteen Rabbit, a story she had once hoped to share with grandchildren. Despite being a devoted mother to her three children, who are now in their 20s and 30s, none of them wish to have children of their own. While she understands their decision, it doesn’t ease the deep sense of loss she feels. “I don’t have young children anymore, and now I’m not going to have grandchildren,” Birk shares. “So that part of my life is just over.”
This growing reality is becoming increasingly common among Gen Xers and baby boomers, who face the painful acknowledgment that they may never become grandparents. According to recent statistics, just over half of adults aged 50 and older had at least one grandchild in 2021, a drop from nearly 60% in 2014. With falling birthrates, more adults are choosing to remain childless, citing personal preferences or societal challenges as key factors.
For parents like Lydia Birk, the desire for grandchildren can be tied to a sense of legacy. Her husband, John Birk Jr., 55, reflects on the bittersweet nature of parenting: “You watch them make their own decisions, different from your own.” This evolving decision about having children or not creates a new layer of grief for some parents, especially when the idea of grandchildren becomes a societal expectation of aging.
Therapist Claire Bidwell Smith explains that this unspoken grief is difficult for many to process, as it is often unacknowledged in contemporary culture. “You always hear people talk about how great it is to be a grandparent, how it’s better than being a parent,” she says. “When people don’t get to experience that, there’s a very real grief that comes with it.” This grief, she adds, can be compounded by the pressure to feel as though one must move on or minimize their feelings because others may face greater losses.
Christine Kutt, 69, navigates a complex emotional terrain with her daughter, who has decided against having children due to concerns about the world’s future. While Kutt has learned to respect her daughter’s decision, she continues to dream of a future filled with grandchildren, eagerly anticipating the opportunity to share family traditions and memories. “I was like, ‘It’s so much fun to teach her all this stuff. And someday, she’ll have children, and I’ll be able to teach them,’” Kutt recalls.
Dr. Maggie Mulqueen, a psychologist, notes that many parents in this position face existential questions about their legacy as they age. The reality that their children may not want children of their own forces them to confront feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt, as though they have somehow failed in raising their children or fulfilling an expected role. Kutt, though, avoids discussing this with her daughter, mindful not to press her choices, even though the longing remains.
For others like Jill Perry, 69, whose two daughters have also chosen not to have children, the grief is ongoing. Perry had envisioned herself as the fun, adventure-filled grandmother, but now, with the reality of no grandchildren, she is left to seek out other sources of fulfillment. Despite keeping herself busy with hobbies and social activities, the absence of grandchildren brings a sense of loneliness and loss. “Grandchildren bring such hope and light into your life,” she explains. “To have that is a counterbalance, I think, to ageing. Because ageing is hard.”
Therapists like Bidwell Smith encourage those who are grieving this loss to give themselves permission to grieve. It’s vital to acknowledge the feelings of disappointment without guilt. For some, exploring other ways to interact with children, such as volunteering or finding creative outlets, can help fill the gap. For Perry and her husband, Dr. David Cox, 67, there is no replacing the grandparent experience, but they continue to seek meaning in the phase of life they are currently in. Still, moments of longing arise, especially when they see happy families in parks or reflect on past memories. “I think we both would have loved to pay that gift of unconditional love and guidance back in spades if we were grandparents,” Cox says.
As more parents face the reality of never becoming grandparents, it’s important to recognize this grief as part of the human experience—one that is often left unspoken but deeply felt.
